Ugh

It's been a long time since I posted here and hopefully nobody's still checking it. I just lost whatever motivation I had to write anything.

Crapola

Well, friends, I return, emboldened by your many encouragements. Not much happening, life goes on in much the same strain as it has these past few years. Ho, hum and all that. Do you guys remember Denicola, the self-proclaimed "Supreme Puntiff"? Well, he's wanting to get a new apartment or house after the new year and hopes I can join him. I'd like to, but the money has to work out, and it would require moving to Portland, which, although it's only a few miles away, is another state and has different taxes and such. Also it would be nice to have a job there, so I don't have to commute across the river. So, a lot of things would have to work out and it's likely I'll just continue to sit here in my little hole in my parents' basement with an obnoxious sixteen-year-old brother who seems to have forgotten he's not six. And how are you guys?

Today at school I was called into a classroom (I carry a walkie-talkie) to help restrain a wild child. The scary thing was he was very calm. With a steady voice and steeley stare he could look adults in the eye and tell them he'd kill them when he was older, although he'd rather we die before then so he wouldn't go to jail. I guess this is what psychopaths are made of? But the sad thing is I don't think it's a question of insanity for the most part. Perhaps a spiritual insanity, if possible, but putting him on Prozac won't save his soul, will it? I felt bad for his dad (came from work to pick him up) he said straight up he didn't know what to do. Of course the principal reccommended taking him to a doctor for a complete physical (meaning get some prescriptions). But I believe his dad. He doesn't know what to do: never has and never will, because he and his wife both work like dogs all day trying to give their kid the American Dream, all the while unintentionally adding to what is in reality an American Nightmare.

This kid was only seven or eight, I guess, but the public schools are really a microcosm of today's societal values. I've worked at all three pre-college levels (elementary, middle, high) and have seen a lot of crazy things. You know, a lot of people see teens acting immature and obdurate towards adults and one another and they say that "kids will be kids" or "they'll grow out of it". But I know better. They won't. That's what our society has decided. We can be kids forever. We should be! Work your ass off (both of you!) so you can buy that new SUV for fifty grand so you can take your one or two ungrateful, spoiled brates to soccer practice (after you pick them up from daycare) then seize the weekend! Go biking in wedgie-making spandex clown uniforms or go mow the lawn or paint the house. Make sure you keep the kids happy with computer games while you're doing that, then go back to work, rinse and repeat. You've heard of old age being a second childhood: it's no longer separated by a period of mature adulthood. Sure, people get older all the time, but not wiser.

Childhood is for the innocent, people. And, sadly, innocence is being ripped out of kids earlier every day. I don't remember ever thinking I wanted to kill anyone, certainly not adults. But isn't that how adults think now? Well, if you don't do what I want, when I want it, how I want it, I'll divorce/insult/rob/slander/murder you. That's how people act, but at least they never have to grow up. Well, hope this cheered you all up. We may not have a hope for the future of our government, but at least sixty-year-olds still have active sex drives. It's the American Dream taken to the max, baby.

Post

Well, by popular demand I return. Not much has happened in the month since I've returned, but this stupid crock-o-crap presidential race (already?) is getting pretty heated. I try to ignore it, but it's hard. I have some thoughts, so I'll jump right in. Someone who reads this blog invited me in good faith to join a Facebook group called "keep Hilary out" or something to that effect. Now, be it known that I consider the desire to keep Hilary Roddam Clinton out of the White House a noble sentiment. However, I'm getting so freaking sick and tired of this horse crap I hear on the radio echoing that desire and taking it to the extreme. Sean Hannity (aka Sean Vannity and Pawn Hannity) has this little thing he says several times throughout his radio show about keeping Hilary out, "that's all we ask". Therefore, vote Ghouliani (not even gonna try to spell it right).

I remember when I was at T.A.C. both witnessing and participating in some pretty heated discussions about why I or Ken (the old man on campus while I was there?) HAD A DUTY to vote Bush in the election, to keep Kerry out. What is wrong with this picture? Everything we do in elections is now geared toward preventing worst-case scenarios, rather than focusing on achieving the best possible good. Have we all bought into this propoganda from the political machine to "make your vote count!!!"? I was told that to vote for a 100% pro-life guy (well, Bush is mostly pro-life....) who we all know has no chance is to waste my vote and add to the probability that Kerry will get in.

You know what, the machine doesn't want my vote. My duty is not to "make my vote count", as I see it. Aren't we supposed to be the light of the world as Catholics? How can we effect positive change if we're just satisfied with keeping greater evil out from occuring? What if the Church took that approach in mission work? Well, let's let these savages keep head-hunting as long as we can keep them from robbing. Or let's not weed out petafile priests, let's just keep them from murdering their victims, too. Huh? Those are both ridiculous things to say, because they're real life problems! People need to stop treating politics like it's a game! There's this bizarre disconnect when it comes to politics, wherein people's actions can be so contradictory to their beliefs.

And it's idiots like Sean Hannity (the self-proclaimed "great American" and pro-life-in-some-situations Catholic) who want me to disconnect myself in this way. Schizophrenia is in my family, but I'm not ready to have it voluntarily. I won't stop the shop-lifter as long as I'm pretty sure he's not gonna kill anyone. And the most frustrating and insidious thing about all this is that the people who promote this crap won't admit it. I'm not allowed to call it a "lesser of two evils" vote. They find ways to justify it. Well, so-and-so's pretty pro-life. The Catechism doesn't say he has to be 100%. Please. I'll bet 95% of T.A.C. voted for Bush in '04 and my good friend who especially tried to convince me to assured me that he'd do a better job his next time around. He'll be free to be more vehemntly pro-life, blah blah blah. Right, that's exactly what I'm seeing. And I'm sure Ghouliani will be the same.

Well, go vote for whoever the hey you want to. But I'll bet if you were honest you'd never have made Bush your first choice, all else being equal. I'm not going to change your minds. People feel more strongly about politics than I do. I'm pretty apathetic because I despise the system that makes some of my peers think I'm doing wrong to not vote for a guy like Bush. And I'm not mentioning any names, in fact the two people who read this blog have never voiced their political convictions in any detail to me, so don't think I'm berating you. I'm just annoyed. Peace and love to all and I hope you both have Veteran's day off from whatever work you do. Oh, wait, EH doesn't get time off. Pthpthpthpthp!!!!:-P

This and that.

Well, it's been too long already. I don't want my ratings to go down, so I'd better keep up the posting, eh? I watched the Red Sox tonight. Game 5, down 3-1 in the series, a must win, obviously. And of course they did behind the studnificent pitching of twenty-game-winner Josh Beckett. What a beast, seriously. Eight innings, eleven strikeouts, filthy stuff again. Well, so that was kinda fun. Not much has happened this week, thank God tomorrow's Friday and Monday is payday. I went hiking with some friends this Sunday, three of them T.A.C. graduates, Clara D. and the two older Lyons sisters. That was nice, don't get to see a lot of them these days even though we live within twenty or thirty minutes of each other. I don't see a lot of females at all, which is a little sad. Okay, maybe a LOT sad. Maybe I should go down south to look for some chiquitas in Santa Paula, eh? Heh heh heh.....riiiiight. Just kidding, of course.

The foliage is quickly leaving the trees (I'm so clever) and my school has a huge tree out back, under which I feel obliged to rake every freaking day. Otherwise the ground's just covered and eventually they'd be ankle deep. I keep on keeping on, though. It's my constant sadness. That's about all, not very much happening (as usual), like I said.

Just for the heck of it I took a quiz on the summitportland website to see if I was qualified to participate for a local depression study. I answered like five out of eight questions "yes" and I only needed three. What's up with this crap? People, react to me. Do you believe in this whole depression bit? I believe in it, but not the way it's approached. Doctors now treat it as a medical illness and put people on happy pills. In my (vast) experience, most people who have feelings of anxiety, insecurity or guilt usually ought to. I just heard another local news story about a couple run down by a driver on the street and the driver never stopped, just took off. It's happening more and more. Two people! Is there any way it would cross your mind to keep going after hitting someone??? Anyway, I think depression is a general sickness of the soul. Met any depressed saints lately? I didn't think so. Well, Evan and Emily, tell your friends to visit this blog, because you can't carry the load on your own. I'm out.

Saturday

Hi all (or should I say "both"?),

Today was a blast. Well, not really. Woke up around 9:30 (slept great) and immediately went to work washing my parents' junky cars. A minivan and a couple of cars, all three white with layers of dirt built up over the years from them being washed once a year max. We'd agreed the night befor that I would do this in return for my dad paying for a family dinner at the Country Kitchen Steakhouse in Portland. Given the choice I might have opted out of the dinner, but as it was I devoted three hours of my day to cleaning those cars, inside and out. Ancient pop spills on the rugs and in the cupholders, mildewy smell and hand smears on the windshields from my older sister, upon whom we can not prevail to stop wiping the fog off in the morning with her bare hand. Ah, yes.

Oh, managed to get out and buy some cigars. I like the thin sweets best. I get too high on the big ones.;) Not that one can ever be "too high". Bought a cigar cutter, too. That was something I lacked. I realized once after having only smoked a few cigars outside of a T.A.C. dorm party (at which there was always a fellow handy with his cutter) that it was difficult to suck out any smoke. And I'm not supposed to have to "suck" to get smoke out, right, so what the heck? Ah, yes, young grasshoppa, that's why that guy cut the end off. Some bite it off, but that gets messy and annoying. I don't want to swallow the leaves. Live and learn, right?

Anyway, had a nice meal afterwards. Halibut steak and a baked potato. But it's one of those joints where the appetizers are just as good as the main courses and so you've gotta eat a ton before your platter gets there. Onion rings, vegetables with dip, fresh french bread and salad and I only ate half my halibut, but it was all great. Went to Powell Books (massive used book store) afterwards and bought some comic books. We were rushed for time and I couldn't find the history section, so that's all I got. I'm reading Band of Brothers by Stephen Ambrose right now, though. Excellent book, excellent shows of the same title. Strong language and violence, though, kids.

Oh, and so we got home and watch the Red Sox vs. Indians for four hours, into extra innings. The score still tied 6-6 going into the 10th inning and the Sox lose 13-6!!!!!! What the ****************???? I was ticked off. Freaking losers, hate 'em forever, don't care to watch anymore, see you Monday for game three, of course. Anyway, so it's a best-of-seven series and they split the first two games at home, that's all good and well. But they freaking have to go to Cleveland for three straight now! Bad, bad, bad. Stop not winning already! Well, I feel a little better, but not much! I guess I'll shut up now, not really much planned for tomorrow, except sing with the Schola and full choir at High Mass. I REALLY don't like Schola, it's hard (partly because I don't practice). But I can't read music, I'm not confident enough to sing out and I'm just not enthusiastic enough to listen to music cds to memorize the stuff. But they need bodies and my voice isn't bad. Well, it's lousy in the mornings, but I guess that's natural. I'm tired, should go to bed. Happy Sunday. Maybe I'll go hiking tomorrow with my friend, I dunno.

Salutations

How the time flies, eh? I'm trying an experiment. I've reconnected with a lot of friends via Facebook in the last couple of months and it's made me think maybe someone would look at my blog now if I try it again. I think I had two loyal viewers before....we'll see how this goes.;)

I'm not up to much right now, just working (still) at an elementary school in a sort of jack-of-all-trades. My job consists of arriving at the building to open it at six every weekday, vacuuming and trashing (that's janitor-speak for collecting trash) the office area and gym. Then I catch a quick nap (er...only on break time, of course) and at some point before the kids get out to their first recess I walk all around the school sweeping up cigarette butts, beer bottles, birth control devices or whatever else the teenagers left behind the night or weekend (those are worst) before. Glamorous, huh? Anyway, I'm done with that by 9:30 or 10:00 and so I find various things to kill time until student lunch at 11:40, which we start setting up the cafeteria for at 11:15. Lunch is over by 12:50, we finish clean up around 1:15 and eat our (I have a lunch helper who comes in at 11:15 and works afterward until 8:00) lunch which the cafeteria ladies are kind enough to give us from the leftovers. The food's pretty mediocre, but it's free and I don't go out for lunch. I finish eating by 1:45 and kill some more time until 2:30 at which time I can go home.

Sorry if that was more info than anyone wanted, but I don't usually talk about work because it doesn't thrill me, so this is the most you'll ever hear about it.:-P "As-needed" jobs include electrical system checks, keeping janitorial supplies stocked, responding to teacher needs (from trying to fix broken pencil sharpeners to hanging whiteboards on walls, to any number of random maintenance jobs, or making requests to district maintenance when it's a big project. I also get to keep and maintain a lot of paperwork. It's an old school with some asbestos insulation and tiles in some areas, so I have to do deterioration inspections twice a year to make sure no one's in danger of contracting mesothelioma (no dictionary required, thank you).

Well, that's kind of a basic outline of the crap I do. It doesn't pay badly, but it's not a living, either. I live with my folks for now (any of you ladies want to marry me so I can have an excuse to move out?) because it's cheap. I'm tossing a few ideas around about what to do next job-wise. Ideas range from city jobs like road crews to police, to getting a trucker's license and driving for a living. Heck, you can haul in some cash doing long-haul, though it's not easy if you have a family. I basically committed to spending at least a year at Burton Elementary and it'll have been a year this April, so I've got to start seriously looking for something pretty soon. I could stay where I am forever, but that wouldn't be cool, and you all know how I value my coolness.

I have two friends in this state (speaking physically, as in the State of Washington: wouldn't want to confuse any liberally-educated friends about what "state" I refer to). One is one of my best friends who I've known since I was fourteen and who I look up to a lot and trust with pretty much anything. The other is a sort of casual tennis buddy I met by chance. He's in his late thirties and we don't do much except play and talk about tennis. I have some casual acquaintances at church and at work, but nobody I'm close to on a deep level. My tennis partner is the only friend I've made since I left T.A.C., although I've managed to reconnect with a few old ones in that time, so that's nice. Okay, abrupt ending here. I'm tired of writing about myself. Let's talk about you! Just kidding, but good night. That's "how I'm doing" in a nutshell. You asked! If you want to know more, call me at 9-1-1. God bless and drink lots of water.

Time and death

Hey all,

I'm twenty-two now, I find. I guess it's taken me a day to get used to the idea, as twenty-one is a sort of milestone for all of us, just as sixteen and eighteen are. My younger sister reminded me that it's the last one I'll have. I guess in the youthful sense it is. My next one will be thirty, I suppose, when we all start thinking we're getting old. Eight years, but everyone says the time flies after that. I'm not sure that's true except in the retrospection of those who have already attained later years.

It puts me in mind of some thing I've been thinking about for some time. Age and aging. In light of the decline of our civilization, people often site the degeneracy of our youth. But who talks about the degredation of the elderly? Not many! I come into contact with a great many people now at the school (and I did get promoted), from kindergarteners to their grandparents. And I have a good many personal contacts, of course. I think we often take it for granted that the elderly are due some sort of respect and reverence for their years, perhaps because they've "been through it all". And the elderly are expected to act in a particularly decourous way, often being some what more humble and reserved.

But look at the world! Not so much "age" itself as the process of "aging" is society's abhorrence. Look at all the wonder drugs and treatments to slow down or prevent certain effects of age. There are things to keep your skin smooth, to grow back or colour your hair, and, what I believe to be the most insidious of all, drugs to keep the, shall we say, "animal parts" active longer. Viagra and the like. I see commercials now for this stuff with white-haired people being told to pop a pill "when you feel the time is right". In the third and final chapter of the Godfather movies, one of the old mobsters tells an old rival that he wants peace in his old age. He says he wants to see his grandchildren grow up and that he's lost "the lust for women". I believe the dulling of the animal passions has been the reason for the wisening that occurs in old age.

As a young man with his share of animal spirits (as we all do) I think I can speak to the problems of the much-vaunted youthful vigour. Is it not in the natural order for these things to pass away? And with the loss of wild passion should come an awareness of the future and inevitable death. The problem is that society hates death because they know that those who espouse today's promiscuous lifestyle have only to dread it. And so they tell the aged that they shouldn't have to lose the vigours of youth and should strive with all their might (and money) to prevent it.

The result tends to be that our elderly are more youthful: again, that's in my experience. And I will not say that all effort to retain health and vitality is vain, wasteful or sinful. Much less is decrepitude a virtue. But within reason. I find that a rift exists between those few surviving from my grandfather's generation (he's a WWII Purple Heart and will be eighty-eight this year) and those of, say, Bill Clinton's generation, the Baby Boomers if you will. Bill Clinton's sixty-one this year! But he's from the original hippie generation. One thing I always took for granted when I was a child was that old people didn't curse like every one else. Part of that can perhaps be attributed to the naivete of youth, but I think often it was true. I've never heard my grandfather curse, and I've seen him electricute and otherwise maim himself many times and in many ways. I know it was never universal, but it stands to reason, does it not, that since the tendency to swear is an impassioned response to stressful stimuli, those who manage to keep their hormones raging and ready for one sort of youthful activity will continue in others?

And I think it is extremely harmful to the young to be unable to look up to the old. It's less and less that the elederly can be held in higher esteem and set apart from the folly of youth because they're trying to retain the things that lead to that folly. Does this mean I believe we should all get old as soon as possible? No, but we all have a duty to control our passions by reason and I think it's wrong to fear the natural processes that facilitate that. Age should be a venerable thing and the aged are closer to God and His judgement than most of us. They should be allowed to prepare for that meeting. I could write about this for ever, but I think I'll stop and ask for your comments. I now know that at least two people have seen this new blog, so I hope to hear from you! Really, agree/disagree? Personal observations? Lay it out there. God bless.